Today after wound care, Steve was grimacing in pain and said his butt hurt. After assuring the pad wasn't wrinkled and the bandage was on, we decided (more like I decided) it was time to play with the rotate feature on the bed.
Of course right away I realized I had understood the directions wrong, and it had him on his side too far, folded like a pretzel. The minute I looked at his pained face, I immediately started panicking. As I'm frivolously pushing buttons, I have him suddenly flopping from one side of the bed to the other, with no solution in sight.
Suddenly as I'm yelling at the bed, I get the idea to hit the off button, which is supposed to "center patient" however it continued to push him to the side, and his face grew more and more panicked; which again had me pushing buttons. Thankfully a friend is here spending the night, and after hearing a few "what the f's" flying out of my mouth, she came running in. Her interruption alone brought me back down to the ground and together we helped situate Steve and after we all had a small giggle.
Of course, as I sat with Steve after I said, "Why the hell can't I just stay calm when things go wrong anymore?"
He thoughtfully paused, and started typing on the tobii, "You know the answer already Hope, you're not grounded."
If you know me well enough, no matter what your beliefs are; you know I'm a heady person. I'm spiritually connected, with ideas flowing non stop, always full of words, and often able to know things that will happen hours, days, sometimes weeks before they do. This isn't the problem though. The problem is that while I have become comfortable with the heady side of myself; I have yet to master the grounding.
I've been meditating consistently for close to 3 years now, and while I have obviously grown in astronomical ways, it's the pause to plant my feet firmly on the ground while in stressful situations, that I have no grasp on.
In case I haven't made this clear in the past 5 years, let me say it again; it takes a lot to keep me on the sane side of the ever moving line. That line I speak of is the sanity/insanity line. My practice has really helped me stay sane, and fully be able to sit in some of the chaos around me; and since my Ayurveda training, I've shifted my focus of my practice to helping me ground. I eat grounding foods, use grounding smells, etc; but still when the going gets tough; I lift my feet off the ground and start flying around.
My friend who helped today said, that it was like I was an insect just jumping and flying around trying to solve the problem. People can see it, I'm 100% in my head.
If you follow my blog closely you will see on Sunday, I handled a crisis with both feet on the ground. I wrote a blog on it because it felt similar to how I always pictured I would feel receiving my noble peace prize; today however, that response was no where in reach. So why am I so in-congruent?
I don't have an answer to that. I just have the knowledge that I am, and the knowledge of what to work on. There is a comfort in that, and I hold on to that for dear life; because it's not productive for me to beat myself up for the panic response.