powerless to empowered and gangster rap.

So here I sit, same spot, but on a new desk in my little outside writing nook.  I'm listening to the birds chirping, the water falling over the rocks, one of our frogs doing his vocal warm ups, and feeling the breeze blow with a might on my face and bits of the sun coming out on my shoulders.  

So much to say, as I haven't written in a while; so many new epiphanies, so many new challenges, so much.  

So much, has been my phrase of 2016.  I set intentions for that word to be impactful, but I guess without the so much, the impact would be less for sure.  

As most of you who follow us closely enough to be actually reading my blog know, we had a recent hospitalization that didn't have the outcome we had hoped for.  Instead we have another complication to be added to our long list, that I've titled, "Gotta make it work."  We will be making a video with the documentary team this week on all of those details, as it's a bit lengthy to type; but the feeling it's left me with is what I'm going to touch on here.

Powerless.  

Powerless is a feeling that I wish upon no one.  Truth is, it's also partially a choice on my part to feel this way.  When I feel powerless, I'm immediately angry.  I then take the power I do have and assert it in negative ways.  Such as screaming at whoever crosses my path, maybe even using a few profanities in there (more like every other word), and definitely not solving any problems, or finding my power.  Instead of having a monumental meltdown and misusing the power I do have, I have discovered a better use of my energy when feeling this way; is to use the power I do have to EMPOWER myself.  

Now it's taking me many times of feeling powerless, miss using the power I have left, and then licking the guilt off of me the next day; to realize that I actually am capable of going through whatever situation makes me feel powerless.  IN FACT: I'm beyond capable.  All I have to do is remind myself I can do it.  It's a simple sentence, but to actually say it with meaning is what's important.  

So when "Shit hits the fan" so to speak (sorry mom), I have to remind myself, that I can choose to scream and yell and get angry at what's making me feel powerless; or I can do the whole put lip stick on, gangster rap, & handle it kind of thing.  

Maybe not the gangster rap, give me some glass animals instead, but I digress.  The important thing is, after 5 years, I have finally realized I'm only powerless IF I CHOOSE to be.  If I take a deep breath and dig deep, I have more power in me than I know what to do with.  It's up to me to properly use it.  

So here I sit empowered to conquer this long list of make it work moments, and to rebuild what's crumbled around me as I've given up my power. If you're reading this feeling powerless, please remember, you HAVE the power.  We all do if we dig deep enough.