disconnected feelings and thoughts...

Some days when I sit to write a blog, I have clear words floating in my head I can't wait to let flow out of my finger tips, some days I write straight from my journal from thoughts that arouse the day before; and then some days like today, I write and hit back space at least 10 times before words start to formulate any coherent sentences.  

Suddenly closing my eyes, I tried to make out what was going on most in my head today.  The full moon is one, but not everyone (ahem mom) understands my fascination with the moon...All I can see are a bunch of different thoughts floating around.  As I am sitting here typing, I have about 30 of them floating around playing bumper cars with one another. How am I supposed to get my thoughts coherent today?  

So instead of thoughts, I closed my eyes to listen to my heart.  What do I feel today?  I feel the moon :), I feel the Mondays, I feel....breathe and really open up to listening.

Great, I don't even know what I'm feeling today?  How am I so disconnected from myself?  I'm in full preparation mode.  It's Monday.  Any minute now it's time for Steve's bath and wound care, then later this afternoon it's time for nurse to do her weekly visit.  There's some planning that needs to be done as well today for future appointments.  

That is literally ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT, and I think it's all I'm feeling; is the need to be prepared.  Maybe its the idea of summer solstice, right?  Maybe all I should be thinking about is preparing for all that needs it?  

Either way this disconnect from myself feeling anything and unable to focus, is an important thing to recognize, and maybe that's all there is for me to do today.  Recognize it, sit with it, and then work through it.  I don't know.  Maybe I'll give in to it, and just let this be the blog for the day.  

Because this isn't the first time this has happened, but it's the first time I've sat with the feeling instead of burying my head into my phone as a distraction from the uncomfortable feeling of not knowing what I'm feeling...

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